Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
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corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
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He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.