I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I enjoy the company of your penis