I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick