i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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