You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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