I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
