The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
