Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
