every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
