i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
