Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
