If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
