My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
