i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So. Much. Porn.
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