if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
