The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
