he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
