i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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