"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
