Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
