At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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