How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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