another moral hangover. fuck.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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