she was so not down for the gang bang
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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