pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
