I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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