So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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