I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that