Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.