Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO