We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
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she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
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You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up