Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
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I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
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They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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