it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
