my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
