My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
