This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize