drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
