Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
