I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
