My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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