Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
