Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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