I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
