we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
