Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
