She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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