sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
