So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
