Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
