i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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