I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
