Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
