so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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