I'd wear matching sweaters with you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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