Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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