i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
