I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
