wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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