he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
